Oh my god but imagine how often Carlos has to stop Cecil from sending angry drunk voicemails to Steve’s phone.
"STEEeeeeve Carlsberg. You’re just…you’re just awful. You smell like soup all the time. Why?? And I know you forgot about snack day at the little league game- I KNOW, Steve! God, anyone who would be with you must be completely desperate- shit, wait.”
Latin American Studies Majors:
Religious Studies Majors:
Women & Gender Studies Majors:
I live in a house with my second and third cousins. They are a good people, a honorable people, but a very different type of people than myself… Namely, they are nice and social and happy being around each other while I am naturally inclined hate everyone.
Needless to say, I prefer to avoid being involved in the family dinnertime. I don’t do grace, I don’t do the Lazy Susan, and I especially don’t do young children with spaghetti sauce all over their grubby little mitts trying to touch my hair and clothes and generally annoy me to the point of murder.
Therefore, I find it conducive to my sanity that I take my meals alone, in the privacy of my own room… which unfortunately happens to be the puny guest space. In other words, I have very little living area to work with, which can make eating difficult… unless you master the Fantastical Art of Bed-Eating, as I have.
Bed-Steak by Olivia.
My full-size mattress has borne many a nom-fest, ranging from steak and potatoes and chicken chili to raw vegan pie and sushi. The bed has truly seen it all. I mean, think about it… a bed is basically just a giant, fluffy table where it is acceptable to put both your body and food. It’s especially great if you eat like I do, with a huge spread complete with appetizer, main course, dessert, condiments, and booze. Lots of space for lots of plates. And really, how awesomely convenient is it to be able to stuff your face full of cookies and candy and then roll over and go to sleep? Food comas have never been easier!
Bed-eating isn’t for everyone, of course. Many people have trouble navigating the cushiony surface of the mattress, spilling their food and drink. Even a seasoned professional like me can occasionally run into technical difficulties whilst noshing horizontally… Of course, I have learned to see spillage as something of a bonus. Truly, there is nothing quite like falling asleep to the scent of barbeque-infused sheets. Mmm.
So try something new today! Load up your tray with tasty morsels and take it to the place you sleep. And while you’re at it, throw in some TV too. I always do. Seriously, just go all the way to the dark side and eff up your sleep hygiene completely. I promise, you’ll never feel sexier than when you eat a full meal on your bed while watching that new Lindsay Lohan documentary series on OWN… which is, incidentally, exactly what I’m about to do. With a homemade calzone.
Oh Olivia, I love you ever so much. You speak here to my very soul.
Though, of course, my bed/table/life is the free sofa I acquired last spring.
Regardless, beds ARE for food. Bed-Eaters Unite!